May 10th – A Good Day

Dear me,

It’s been a really interesting time since my mom fell hasn’t it?

So much of the time just whizzes by like I’m just in a dream of some kind. It’s not like I am detached – I’m in it, but I am just truly being swept up in whatever is happening in the moment that the next thing I know the scene has changed and I am at home getting ready for bed again not entirely sure what to make of things.

I guess it is like my particular role as director in the movie that is my life has been suspended and I am now just an actor without a real script, improvising as things unfold and it is my turn to talk or make a decision.

That’s why being on the mountain yesterday was so vital. Away from it all, with people I love and trust. I could be as quiet or as open as I wanted without any questions. I ended up pushing myself physically in a way I haven’t in awhile and digging deep to find staying power in the rest of my body while my lungs tried to vacate the premises. All sorts of Inner Mean Girl thoughts about how badly I was doing tried to take hold. But I drowned out her voice with my mantra: I am happy, I am healthy, I am abundant, I am free!

I would alternate it with “She is happy, she is healthy, she is abundant she is free” as I kept my eyes focused on Renee’s feet.

And I got the job done.

And today the visit with my mom was also all about NOT thinking about what’s been going on. I brought her lunch from In n Out, Haagen Daaz ice cream cups for dessert, the boys were there and we sat outside in the courtyard she sees from her window and watched the birds dance in the fountain and played a rousing round of Phase 10.

When Alex and I were saying our goodbyes to her she said “Thank you so much for a wonderful day. I got to forget where I am or why I am here for a few hours.”

That counts as a very good day.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

March 24th GGID Journal

Dear me,

WOW, there was a lot on my mind last night!

I’m so glad I started this journal because I am fairly certain sleep would have been hard to come by without dumping all that out in here! As it is, I slept just fine πŸ™‚

Also, I remembered my shoes today which was great because I really needed to go pedal after work!

There was another flurry of email exchanges with Carmen today. No regrets on my end – nothing I could have done differently other than to completely not communicate with her at all which just was not a functional option for a workplace. I really do feel sad for her and continue to silently send her nothing but warm, healing, thoughts. But, I also expect professional actions so I can’t back down when something comes up.

I was quite thankful that this disturbance only lasted a very short time and didn’t really set me off course at all.

OTOH, it wasn’t until rather later after work that I realized my loan officer never contacted me today! Grrrrrr….the pattern of inconsistent communication continues. Guess who will get an email as soon as I am settled at my desk tomorrow?

Dear universe – please help him get this refinance DONE! We are so close (at least that is what I was told, right?)

The word of the day – no, really, I’d say it is the word of the last month – is HONOR.

I realized after hearing it for perhaps the 5th time today across a broad spectrum of live hayhouse radio shows, some podcasts, and summit interviews that this word comes up a LOT. I’ve read it in many of the books I’ve consumed, and heard it on many other radio shows.

I’ve used it here when I express my intention to HONOR the abundance that is brought to me by using it to it’s fullest capacity and value.

We choose to seek out relationships that HONOR our souls – for all parties involved. Set out to find career paths that HONOR our talents.

I continue to focus on HONORING my true self.

What a powerful word, in both sound and intention!

Dear soul/voice/universe – please bring resolution to this refinance process tomorrow. Help me to connect with the people I need to in order to get this done. Thank you for guiding me so beautifully today with Carmen – more will be needed tomorrow with a planned training session. Thank you for continuing to help Nick communicate clearly asking for what he needs and for keeping me open to listening and helping where I can.

Oh – as I am just now thinking how sleepy I am….another moment from one of the radio shows today made me smile. The topic was children who are exhibiting signs of being mediums – of being actively connected to the spirit world (indigo or rainbow children they are called) and one mom spoke of how her son tells her that when he falls asleep he goes to heaven and talks to the angels! The host agreed! He said he fully believes that once in our subconscious minds we are completely open to all universal portals. How’s that for a trippy/cool way to think about what will happen as you drift off to sleep? Kinda makes you curious and filled a little bit with wonder eh? Who will I see and talk to tonight when I am dancing with the spirits? πŸ™‚

GGID Day 22

Dear me,

I am tired….

I am grateful for being able to jog/run (it was sloooooow, so jog is more accurate) for 3.2 miles and felt pretty good during and after.

I am grateful for time and space and a clear mind to spend on digging into my finances. I created space to take on a couple of the parent’s bills in March. I figured out a “snowball” plan to pay off my consumer debt. Looking at all the accounts revealed one that is on a promotional plan right now with interest deferred & not charged at all IF the balance is paid off by 4/10. As of today that’s $75 in interest I can avoid by squeezing every extra dime into that account. It can be done. And if I can do THAT, then I can plow extra towards a second account and 2 of the 3 smaller ones will be gone by the end of April.

The point is, when I was done, I felt GOOD about how I am planning to use my income in March. Taking it one month at a time since the refinance will change things up.

Yes! Abundance is flowing freely through me!

Even though I am tried, I do want to delve into another question from the GGID list:

“Do I show compassion, or contempt?”

Whether addressing this outward or inward, I would say that I normally lean towards compassion. If anything, other’s have accused me at time of “making excuses” for people. I just always tend to think the best of everyone, even when they screw up. It is the truly rare case when someone is so loathsome that they are actively trying to hurt people. Therefore, compassion and forgiveness come easily to me. Towards myself I think I am compassionate, I just didn’t always take all the way through to forgiveness in the past πŸ™‚

But then I do need to be honest about the one person to whom I DO need to show more compassion and that is my oldest son. He’s unfortunately done so many things to put himself into the corner with his own father who might be the one person on this planet who I just had to write off as incapable of being worth my empathy. So many lies and an inability to see beyond the nose on his face or to break through the clouds of his addictions to see how he hurt everyone who loved him. Nick has walked pretty far down that path….and yet…since he’s one of my babies, I cannot completely cut him off…AND…I do recognize that he has NOT strayed so far away that he cannot be forgiven. I’ve been working quite hard over the past year to change my heart and mindset towards him. I’m able to see his positive efforts and have open conversations with him again…for the most part. Not there 100% yet. Old habits take a bit of time to rework.

When I write “My heart and mind are open, I speak with loving words.” I am thinking almost solely about him and it is working, though still a work in progress.

I am grateful for the ability to change those internal dialogs and habits.

JGID Day 19

Dear me,

Well, I didn’t walk – it seems like the flu symptoms which so kindly took a back seat while I was in prep/procedure mode, decided to come roaring back today 😦 Β Sinus pressure, runny nose and even a tiny bit of a scratchy throat to go with the cough. Sweet! So, since it was mighty cold after we were done with our group call tonight I decided not to chance it.

Sure was great to get back to work though! I missed seeing other people! And using my brain effectively!

Guess what? Pinged the lender this morning since I had not heard anything since just before I got sick. I knew the silence meant he didn’t have any success with my first choice options, but I do crack up that he doesn’t just come out and tell me! Of course, there is another option which just means breaking up the process into two steps which he confirmed this morning is probably the only way to get it done so I told him to GET IT DONE!

Oddly, when I now mentally ponder the mortgages still being split, I have a good gut feeling feedback on it.

I’m viewing that second mortgage now almost like consumer debt – even though it is secured against the house, it really IS basically the payoff of c/c balances back from 2007. It’s just in a different, tax deductible interest form. But after reading Dave Ramsey and having this path/plan in my mind that leads me towards paying off the retirement loan I took out to pay college tuition and then also this 2nd, I can envision a way to get that done. And in that case keeping it separated from the 1st makes the most sense. I *would* still try to refinance IT separately after we have an appraisal just to lower the interest on it because then I could pay it off faster.

As is always said – ask for what you think you need, and accept that what comes your way may not be exactly what YOU assume is the best solution.

So – my refinance (#1) IS happening this month!

Nick WILL get a job this month.

My parents will start getting $500/mo more in March.

I am grateful that there is movement on those financial goals.

I am grateful for Nick having insurance! He got a darn staph infection in a bug bite wound on his leg and was able to go to the ER and get it drained and get some antibiotics without having to worry about paying – all covered! Thank you ACA!

I am grateful for listening to my heart and keeping it open and connected to friends near and far, new and old.

I value everyone equally.

I am grateful for the ability to change habits – I notice that I am reading people’s posts with much more compassion and kindness and much LESS envy/jealousy/contempt. And when I do feel annoyed? It is MUCH easier now to just hit “delete” if it’s an email or the scroll button if it is on a timeline.

My family and I are surrounded by love. We are safe.

JGID Day 12

Dear me – let’s be real here, I am only sitting down to write because I made a commitment to a daily journal. But frankly this cold/flu that came barreling in on you 48 hours ago has sapped all your potential energy towards looking inward.

However, in between bouts of feeling awful and needing to shut down, a few things did pop up that should be noted. First of all, it has been lovely to sit outside in the middle of the day to thaw out in the warm sun during some of the bone chilling parts of fighting off the fever. It was also fascinating to note how much I started sweating – back inside the house – while also still shivering. And that broke the fever. So I have been still trying to remain mindful (even though that meant focusing on some pretty awful moments of pain and pressure) and pay attention to the things my body was experiencing as it has battled off this virus. Things are now moving down to the chest with a cough – yay? I guess….since that is usually the last stage.

Mental note – Gatorade and chlorisepctic lozenges are the bomb.

Meanwhile it was pretty interesting today to get a message from the credit union that you were randomly selected to have one debit charge paid back to you – this was a contest? benefit? that you had no idea about! It is limited to being under $100, but given that I am pretty sure I caught this bug on Saturday when I took my friend out to lunch for her birthday, I find it quite telling that it was that $25.87 charge that was given back to me. Kind of a small apology from the universe maybe? And in the exact form I need – more money! Let’s just say I won’t be ignoring that.

The other thing that was interesting was a conversation in another facebook group about money. Started by someone else, it revealed to me just how many of my peers out there are in my same boat. And? We all feel guilty! The back and forth on the topic was cathartic and also, quite practical. I’ve saved this link: Snowballing debt payoffsΒ and as soon as I have full brain function again, I am going to go through some calculations. Because that will ensure that after the mortgages are refinanced, I have a plan in place for how NOT to get back into this boat again.

Heh – I keep saying I wont write much, yet always spill out a few hundred words!

Hey, it’s important to note the parts of your day when you feel gratitude, even when you spent most of it miserably sick.

JGID Day 3

Much more clear minded today!

πŸ™‚ – I *really* enjoy giving advice/guidance or just generally being able to answer people’s questions at work or just in everyday life. Kellee asked a few days ago if any of us hesitated to speak our minds and I was like “oh hell no!” If anything, I need to keep in mind to temper my desire to drop knowledge πŸ™‚ I certainly need to be mindful of HOW I deliver it. But my belief system has always been that if I have learned a lesson, why not share and help someone else NOT make a similar mistake, or help someone take an easier path to what they need? I also get really frustrated when I don’t know the answer to something. Now, I will tell you – “Hey, I don’t know.” because it drives me batty when folks leave me hanging. But even when I don’t know, then I try to find a resource for you to use to get closer to your answer. I figure, you held me in enough regard/respect to *think* I had an answer, then I best try to find something other than just “I’m sorry, I don’t know.” Long winded way of saying, I’ve had 3 questions recently as a result of the new business venture. I had the answer to one for sure and the other two I had to do some redirecting, but still it felt good to help out. Yeah, even for free (since these were just info inquiries). You never know when one of those turns into a paying client!

πŸ™‚ Another pat on the back today when I realized that I *didn’t* take something personally. An email that last year might have made the hairs on my neck stand on end and sucked me into a back and forth that would be unproductive just rolled right past my eyes. It wasn’t even until after some time passed before I recognized what had happened. Thank you Headspace for helping me roll away those stinky insecurities making each day a little bit easier!

GoF = I really love the mid-week night runs with Marcus. I have two guaranteed nights when I see him, if there was any reason for either of us to be uptight from our day at work, since we go running as soon as he arrives, that is dissolved in no time flat. The run is fun – I love challenging him to keep up with me – not in short bursts, but for longer stretches and we always end up feeling good. Then when we do sit down to eat and talk we are both in such a good place that the communication is great. Tonight especially when I needed to bounce some of those financial/family stressors from the weekend off of him. Ideas were hatched. Now to make them happen!

AND – I picked the dance steps I will do! And, I practiced them and did them cleanly at least once. Mind you without actual tap shoes but still πŸ™‚

So on Day 3 I want to thank the Universe for the abundances I felt today. For the burning of insecurities now gone, for the recognition of things that make me smile, and for the wonderful partner who has been in my life for over 15 years now and still made me grin ear to ear and my heart skip a beat as he sprinted with me tonight.

Welcome Back!

I decided while in the middle of today’s hike to create a spot just for pics & vids of Torrey Pines since I spend so much time there now. It seems impossible for me to go there, even when the primary goal is fitness, and not stop to take some pictures or listen to the birds.

Old timers will recognize the blog name. This is the one I had on blogspot when I first started out. Thought it was a good one to revive over here at WP for this topic.

Enjoy the views!