July 3

Dear me, 

Well, speaking of triggers (weren’t we talking about those recently?) – I sure was hit by a couple this past week. One that I let completely take over me and one that I didn’t, but felt it just as intensely. 

I also had a few times when I caught myself anticipating a negative conversation and I was wrong each time. 

In other words, my Inner Bitch was alive and well in my head. I shouldn’t be surprised given how I’ve been juggling so many people and their need for my support. Plus, I haven’t been as diligent about meditating or writing in here and new habits need constant nurturing.

Why am I so defensive when someone asks me certain questions? I felt challenged by them instantly despite the intent not being there at all. It was tough though – this wasn’t an email that I could read and let sit for a bit to work through any issues before responding. It was what felt like a barrage of text messages that I felt I should answer instantly. Ugh. I realize that I feel doubts about myself more than I like to admit and if I feel any hint that somone else can see through that facade of capability, then I react with anger. 

I have to remember the note to myself on my desk at work and apply it always “face value” which is a reminder to me not to put my own thoughts behind other people’s words to me. Take them at face value. Without attachment or ego. If anything, apply love to the meaning behing the questions in all cases. Even if you are wrong, you will never really know because you will have answered them with love and even IF the conversation didn’t start out that way, your response will bring it there.

Anther trigger was me imagining that what I took as a chastising post was a) aimed at me and was b) a chastising post. Again, I need to stop assuming negtive motives. Mostly though, I need to stop jumping to the conclusion that they are aimed at ME when they are addressed to a group. And then, even IF I am “guilty” well then, so what? My fear of disappointing people raises its head, that’s what. I don’t want to be “talked to” or “corrected” or really have anyone telling me what to do. I immediately feel mortified as it reinforces (again), my own self doubts. Then I get defensive thinking maybe my way IS the better way and who are you to boss me around?! Then finally I remembered to look at the post through a lens of love and ahhh..ok….”like” and move on. Lordy!

I might also want to remind myself to “breathe” along with the “face value” mantra.

Mostly though, I need to remember one word always: LOVE.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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