June 30th – An Assessment

Dear me,

I an noticing now that June has come to a close that by giving myself a break on *daily* writing and meditating, I have lost some ability to focus completely on tasks that I had re-developed the last few months. I’ve done quite well staying connected when I am in a conversation with someone, but on daily tasks either at work or at home I have taken some steps backwards.

It’s tough though – I stepped back from prioritizing those things because Alex is home and the time I might normally have spent doing those (after dinner) is time when we hang out. By the time I do shut down for bed, I have no mental energy left.

OTOH, I really need to stay connected to ME so some different juggling needs to happen in July. I’m probably going to have to commit to an either/or scenario.

That aside though, my goals in regards to finances, fitness and intimacy were met very nicely. And that’s DESPITE some continuing external challenges such as…as soon as my mom went home from the rehab center….my oldest ended up in jail due to a probation violation. That situation will continue all through July – his next court date and likely release is Aug 4.

Even though I feel a maternal pull to fund his commissary account there at a certain level, I need to balance that with my own needs and, of course, my parent’s who were in line first! Then there is the emotional need to support him when he calls and ensure he maintains his own mental strength and focus and the time taken to go visit him once a week.

So yes, focus…mindfulness…keeping the connection to my heart and inner voice strong. I will need that to be uppermost in my daily life in July.

I am very happy with the whole body fitness focus and will continue that though perhaps with more running if possible. Regular yoga and boot camp showed results – I have been making progress in my ability to do the exercises with..not EASE so much as not as much agony 🙂 I’m less sore the next day and the biggest test – packing and moving Nick’s bedroom – was completed with NO injury and also NO aches or pains in the days after.

Intimacy was a great success! If anything that’s WHERE all my focus went, especially in support of Chelsea and her mom and then developing the friendship with K that resulted in arrangements for her to move into the newly vacant room. I kept my commitment to call my widowed friend in Fla and had a get together with one local friend and have arrangements for another this weekend. I even noticed an example of the quieting of my Inner Critic who would typically have unleashed some jealousy/envy and self loathing in past months, but didn’t raise a peep this month. I was able to default view something through a lens of love and support instead and THAT felt really good.

I know that what I need for the coming weeks is to continue to be kind, loving and gentle towards myself first and then I can be the same towards those around me.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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