June 10th – Oh, the triggers!

Dear me,

Ah, I asked for it didn’t I? Promised I would watch for those gut tugs indicating a triggering moment. Lemme see – how many did I get today? I count three but there was also a realization of one from last night.

I need to take a longer, quieter chunk of time to dialogue through all of these, but I do want to note them

A mild one that I worked through before responding (beauty of social media triggers – you can step away before responding and I did)…I felt chastised when a comment in response to something I posted sounded critical of my assessment of events. That brought up my feelings of being less than skillful at interpreting emotional cues/responses. Cue defensiveness!

A surprising one, but one I know remember as a very consistent trigger – someone asked me if I had kids with Marcus or if we would ever get married (old co-worker I haven’t seen in close to 7 years)…I feel..what? Put upon? Attacked? Pressured? Ordered around?…not sure what to call it yet, but I absolutely *always* react badly when someone asks me questions like that! I know I react with a sharp tone of voice. My standard response is usually “Are you nuts?! I was a mom at 20, why would I reset that clock again?!” Or, “No thanks, 2 failed marriages is enough, we are happier together unmarried than most married couples are!” Of course, now that I am 50 I don’t get the one about kids as much but MAN do I hate that question! So pushy – so rude! None of your damn business! (oh boy is that one something I should explore so that I don’t bite any one else’ head off!)

And the last one today – in a meeting, listening to people raise one question after another about a program, basically putting up all sorts of barriers and showing extreme resistance to making something happen. They want their hadns held and to be directed through everything, even simple things that they otherwise handle all the time. I didn’t mind their objections – I was triggered by there complete demonstration through body language and tone of being shut down and unwilling to listen to ideas.Beyond that they also had NO suggestions of their own of how to bridge the distance between the problem and potential solutions. No one else seemed to be as annoyed/impatient at the process though. That was clear. I could tell I was alone in my supreme exasperation and so I made note of what I was feeling and tried VERY hard to be quiet. In the end though – I ended up saying something and I could tell that my simplistic notion of moving past the questions was met with defensiveness. Sigh…. So basically I know that the situation triggered me into my judgmental habits and was pushing me towards being dismissive of them and their concerns. So odd too because I am NOT married to this whole project! It isn’t mine at all! I am simply a cog in the wheel but I find it very hard to work with “idea” people who can throw out multiple scenarios and NEVER focus in on a solution. But that is LIFE and I need to pull my ego out of this and not get so worked up that my body language and tone displays what is going on in my head.

PHEW!

Oh, and the loan funded today. Yes – the longest fucking refinance process ever is finally fucking over! Yeah, I am kinda pleased!

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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