May 10th – A Good Day

Dear me,

It’s been a really interesting time since my mom fell hasn’t it?

So much of the time just whizzes by like I’m just in a dream of some kind. It’s not like I am detached – I’m in it, but I am just truly being swept up in whatever is happening in the moment that the next thing I know the scene has changed and I am at home getting ready for bed again not entirely sure what to make of things.

I guess it is like my particular role as director in the movie that is my life has been suspended and I am now just an actor without a real script, improvising as things unfold and it is my turn to talk or make a decision.

That’s why being on the mountain yesterday was so vital. Away from it all, with people I love and trust. I could be as quiet or as open as I wanted without any questions. I ended up pushing myself physically in a way I haven’t in awhile and digging deep to find staying power in the rest of my body while my lungs tried to vacate the premises. All sorts of Inner Mean Girl thoughts about how badly I was doing tried to take hold. But I drowned out her voice with my mantra: I am happy, I am healthy, I am abundant, I am free!

I would alternate it with “She is happy, she is healthy, she is abundant she is free” as I kept my eyes focused on Renee’s feet.

And I got the job done.

And today the visit with my mom was also all about NOT thinking about what’s been going on. I brought her lunch from In n Out, Haagen Daaz ice cream cups for dessert, the boys were there and we sat outside in the courtyard she sees from her window and watched the birds dance in the fountain and played a rousing round of Phase 10.

When Alex and I were saying our goodbyes to her she said “Thank you so much for a wonderful day. I got to forget where I am or why I am here for a few hours.”

That counts as a very good day.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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