April 20th – Surprising discovery

Dear me,

Continuing with the Inner Mean Girl book there was a section to identtify which primary fears triggers the appearance of the overly protective IMG. 

I wasn’t surprised that fear of betrayal and rejection got rankings of 7 out of 10. But the one that got a 9? 

Fear of being exposed as a fraud!  Wow. I felt so immediatelt hot under the collar reading it. Fear of people finding out you don’t really know what you are doing and that people will discover how insecure you really are. 

Dang.

Now I undersand why the Overly Optimistic Cheerleader was my highest scoring IMG.

I’m letting that one percolate for a bit. Where was that fear born and bred? 

Does it matter if I figure that out? 

I think what matters still is that I need to develop a deeper love of myself and then that fear will slip away. 

Along those lines I took advantage of the opportunity to play at tap dancing today. Then I watched the hummingbirds chaase each other around the feeder. Most fun of all for me? Tracking Renee was she ran her second Boston Marathon and cheering her on to completely crush last year’s time by over 14 minutes! Timed it so I caught her on the live finish line camera again and shed a tear or twelve as it all unfolded. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my friend’s acheive their dreams!

As Renee wrote later “Today was a GOOD day!”

Yes, it really, really was.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

Advertisements

April 18th – Inner Mean Girl (Mind F*cker!)

Dear me,

What a fantastic GGID group call we had this morning! It so perfectly followed exactly where I had stopped reading last night in the Inner Mean Girl book. I had just identified the 2 main areas where I feel my IMG(MF!) sabotages me and completed an exercise in the book with statements about those areas that ended with “I choose” declarations. Those statements are me, taking a stand FOR myself to silence the IMG(MF!).

Where is the MF coming from? Oh that is the ethereally lovely Miss Farida who just dropped the knowledge on everyone about her inner Mind Fucker. I honestly had to mute myself for the laughter that burst out of me and then the Church Mama style “AMEN!” I was saying as she spoke.

These are my declarations which I’ve now written out in four separate places which means that I am taking a masterful stand for ME:

  • I choose to be at ease with money and be free of the burden of debt and feelings of scarcity. I choose to attract, accept and honor abundance.
  • I choose to have deep, loving connections with friends and family.

I know, to the depths of my soul, that my IMG(MF!) was created to keep me safe. It was a misguided notion that love is scary. That I don’t really need to face myself, love myself, in order to be whole. I don’t know why. Honestly I cannot think of anything that happened particularly to make my IMG(MF) put up those walls to keep me from abundance of any kind. It does make me wonder if it is a past life issue because I swear I was born reserved and afraid of love. But I certainly see the pattern repeated over and over. Keep my “overly smothering” – my IMG(MF!)’s description – mother at arms length. Don’t fight with her necessarily, but certainly don’t be the “best friend” daughter she so clearly craves. Label emotionally open/available people as “too needy/dramatic/weak” to allow them in. Anyone who seems to be clearly attracted to you in *any* way? Find something in them that you can judge and view them with contempt. Heck, don’t even bother hiding it. Meet someone you do respect and want to be around? Now flip your behavior and act star struck and stupid and view yourself as desperate and clingy. DO incredibly odd, socially awkward things just to find a way to belong in a group that has people you want to be around. Use money (or lack of it) as an excuse to not do things with people because that is an easy excuse to keep your distance. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and reach out if you present yourself as the single mom with very little money. Berate yourself and feel incredibly lonely when, of course, people *don’t* invite you to join them because you have said and done incredibly hurtful or desperate things.

Such a confusing set of voices in my head!

And none of them are loving. None of them are helping me to first and foremost, love ME.

The anomaly in all of this is Marcus. One shining exception of a relationship that I haven’t sabotaged. Because with HIM, I see that I am lovable. I feel completely loved. I swear I cobbled together the skills to adapt to him by some small miracle because I sure wasn’t reading books and didn’t have a tribe or people around me who could teach me like I do now.

I will accept and feel immense gratitude at that time in my life when I let YOU, my Inner Wisdom, gain control over all the IMG(MF!) thoughts.

The important thing is that the patterns of self love are there. I just need to make those grooves go further and deeper.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 17th – The Wall

Dear me,

Last night I completely forgot to sit down to write! I ran, had dinner, watched the hummingbirds, watched some shows and went to bed. Didn’t even read!

Consequently though, I also woke up around 3am and couldn’t fall back asleep until 4 😦

Today it has been all I could do to stay awake, let alone focused and connected – BUT – I have made it! No impatience, no rushing to do/respond to something. No inner critic chastising me for being slow. I battled the tired/hazy brain and stayed plugged in. Thankfully I have a 3 day weekend so some recharging time will be available and I will take it!

All we need is love eh?

On another summit I heard a fellow named Matt Kahn talking and I liked his message and the gentle, loving way he handled callers so I I clicked on his site. On a video there he talks about the Love Revolution. One of his tips to change your brain’s patterns and to shed judgment is to say silently to yourself “I love you” to each car that passes you on the road as you are out and about. I thought that was pretty funny and actually, what I liked about this guy was how much he uses FUN. He made up little songs as he was talking to callers on the summit session that were just phrases he wanted them to repeat to themselves, but that he knew would make them smile faster – and keep those affirmations in their brains longer – if they sang them!

He also strongly encouraged play. Express joy – dance, sing, be playful because those are ways to express love. Love of self, love of life, love of the universe.

Yes, I know, messages I’ve already been hearing right? But you know how it goes – pay attention to those themes that repeat themselves!

My feeling that this week would bring movement was correct. The piano is sold (though not yet gone) and the loan was approved and appraisal scheduled for Monday.

I’m listening inner voice – what’s next? What little things can I do or shift to bring that $800k value to this home?

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 15th – Reading quietly

Dear me,

Cutting short the writing tonight because I want to take advantage of a quiet night with time and space to read the Inner Mean Girl book. Really enjoying it so far. Took the quiz again in the book and ended up with the same top two personality types with two more tied for third. Next up is listing the most common triggers for mine to show up. I think it will be fun to name the IMGs and the current triggers in a future journal and then check in some time down the road to see how things have evolved.

One observation that I have found interesting – when I first started writing and exploring so many different approaches to self improvement or getting in touch with my soul/inner voice, I had that month of recoil when I felt like I had been drinking from the fire hose.

I’d say that I am kind of back at dabbling in lots of different areas, but this time with one common focus: to be able to discover how to love myself so that I can open up to loving others more completely and to receive love without reservation.

Back to the book!

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 14th – Brain shifts

Dear me,

Today I really noticed two rather prfound shifts that have happened in the last few weeks. 

The first was realizing that focusing on one thing at a time not only absolutely feels like I am more present and mindful and all those cool things, but it also makes time go by faster even when the task I am doing would be considered tedious. I never tuned into any podcast or radio show today. I did have the benefit of a morning meeting and then a lunchtime appointment to break up the day, but still when I knew I had a chunk of time to work on a spreadsheet, I didn’t *want* to override that with external input. What was different was that today it seemed *natural* to do just one thing at a time, whereas before I would have had to fight myself to do that. Perhaps new brain pathways are forming?

I know they are when it comes to connecting with the people around me. The last two days I’ve had genuinely warm, fairly deep conversations with co-workers that would never have happened before. And, I listened more than I talked for once! OK, I have been practising that, but I feel like THAT too is becoming more easy to do. Most important though was seeing one awesome lady who I’ve worked with for years and sometimes have done a little battle with her. I’ve not spoken well of her with others and been frustrated at some things she never could seem to learn. OTOH, I could always see her heart and last year we connected as her mother was dying and I listened and gave her space to cry and made a few things easier for her as many departments had to move around construction projects going on in my building. She was in the meeting this morning and I got to chat with her and hug her briefly after and even in those few minutes as we talked she said to me “Oh Christina, you do GET IT! Yes, we are not so crazy eh?” It was one of those moments when I felt like I gave her exactly the support and love she needed. 

Since my Inner Mean Girl tends to do so much work to make me second guess nearly every interaction with people, it feels good to end this day feeling like all my interactions today went well. In fact, I don’t think she ever had a chance to speak – hurrah!

Be kind, be loving, just be!

April 13th – Feed the Birds

Dear me,

Listening successes – the same radio host who wrote the Feng Shui book that led me to envision an Osprey as the spirit of this house spoke in another show about your own personal spirit animal. Now, I am hesitant to use that term since I feel that is a term being appropriated from Native American traditions. Of course, the woman bringing this up IS. Anyhow, when doing that visualization, I didn’t get anything immediately.

But she said to watch in the coming hours or days for any particular non-human form that might suddenly be all around me (tv, internet, road signs, etc) Sure enough within 24 hours I knew – a hummingbird! It had to be a bird, of course 🙂 But really I have frequently said that I have hummingbird metabolism and since she was talking about a “protector” animal I swear I know of no fiercer being when it comes to defending their territory (food source). Then a fellow I follow on twitter who works for Audubon posts about a backyard birding project to protect hummingbirds from climate change. I thought back to the beautiful shock of orange I have seen recently in my yard which is unusual – a rufous hummingbird – normally my area is dominated my Anna’s so seeing the orange flash was a treat. I knew I needed to add a feeder to my yard again. Seriously nothing makes me happier than sitting in a yard  with a feeder watching the hungry visitors. I love how they do, indeed, defend a spot like maniacs – until those last 5-10 minutes of daylight when suddenly they allow everyone to come eat.

Total Only Child thing to do. “Mine, mine mine mine mine!!!” then “Oh, ya’ll need this to live so the species can continue? Fine. Five minutes.”

I put the feeder up yesterday and filled it only with water + sugar. No prepared mix as instructed by the Audubon site. Came home from work tonight and…there was a male Anna’s sitting in the tree, then chasing away any visitors! I cannot WAIT to sit out there this weekend and enjoy that show!!

I have a good feeling about this week in regards to the bigger things I have initiated to improve the flow of abundance.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 11th – When opening your heart hurts

Dear me,

I started this journaling habit with some idea to mark when I had some breakthourgh “moments” – hoping to increase the days when I felt most plugged in – Girl on Fire.

At first I hought GoF would mean a good day – a happy one. So today, was not really that. In fact, there have been, and continue to be, mnay sad tears shed. Not for me, but for my friends who I love with all my heart.

Because somethimes when you open your heart, the joy that enters it comes lined with aching too.

I felt GoF because I listened today. I got the idea in my head last night to perhaps not do boot camp. With the training I am doing for the upcoming running events I have, Saturday brings with it not just the one hour boot camp but also a run that takes up nearly another hour of the day. Given my usual Saturday chores (groceries + bookkeeping work), combined with this being vet weekend to get the cats groomed, it was going to be a challenge to get that all done. Still, I *coudl* have done it. On the other hand, I heard you talking to me idn’t I inner voice? I knew I was the only one going to boot camp today. The other client was camping. Renee would be totally fine if I cancelled. I’d give her back another hour in her day. But then you spoke up…”No, you need to see Renee – you need to talk to her and see if she is OK…cancel boot camp, but invite her for a coffee talk instead.” After the group call, I took Chip to the vet and the idea came to me again – I know in the past I would have second guessed myself. Would hae cancelled but no invited her out. Would have let my inner critic tell me I was being foolish, that she wouldn’t want to have coffee and just ahng out. Hah – just typing that out now is what seems so foolish!!! 

Nope, I listened to my WISE inner voice – the connected one – and I sent out the text and we ended up having an amazing 2.5 hour conversation. And yeah, there were tears. It brought up memories and emotions from 15 years ago that I needed to feel to be supportive and she opened up in a way she never has. I shed tears because I remember the pain she is feeling now.  I shed tears because I *know* how hard it is for her right now, but I also KNOW she will find what she is worthy of just as I did. But, it is going to suck getting there for a bit.

But see? GoF for LISTENING to my instincts. 

After chores I went on my run. Chose to listen to my body and just run 3 miles easy on the track instead of 5 race pace miles on the pavement. Listtened to a podcast and was feeling good. Stopped after to watch some birds in the grass. Horned larks and western bluebirds and one other species that I need to look up. I was soaking in just enjoying the larks and the intense blue of the bluebirds when a text came through. That text caused me to look at my email and see the news – a dear friend’s husband who has been battling cancer is nearing the end. He stuck around to see his youngest get through his bar mitzvah but this weekend he pretty much told the family it was time to say their goodbyes. Linda is in Florida. Tandy (in Maine), was texting me. We both shed tears in that moment for our friend and her heart break. Me, on a bench in the middle school field and her in bed with a bad cold and her cat. We would both love nothing more than to be able to hop on their first flgiht out to be there for our friend. I feel helpless. The text I send to Linda seems so inadequate, but at least she knows we are with her in spirit.

If I had not cut short my run, I would not have been available to cry with Tandy and send love to Linda at a reasonable east coast time. 

Dear universe – please hold the Randall family in your loving arms. If Neil is due to move on, then walk him gently through the corridors to peace and a pain free landing.  Let us, her friends here, know what we can best do to support Linda and help us make it happen. 

Be kind, be loving, just be.