April 18th – Inner Mean Girl (Mind F*cker!)

Dear me,

What a fantastic GGID group call we had this morning! It so perfectly followed exactly where I had stopped reading last night in the Inner Mean Girl book. I had just identified the 2 main areas where I feel my IMG(MF!) sabotages me and completed an exercise in the book with statements about those areas that ended with “I choose” declarations. Those statements are me, taking a stand FOR myself to silence the IMG(MF!).

Where is the MF coming from? Oh that is the ethereally lovely Miss Farida who just dropped the knowledge on everyone about her inner Mind Fucker. I honestly had to mute myself for the laughter that burst out of me and then the Church Mama style “AMEN!” I was saying as she spoke.

These are my declarations which I’ve now written out in four separate places which means that I am taking a masterful stand for ME:

  • I choose to be at ease with money and be free of the burden of debt and feelings of scarcity. I choose to attract, accept and honor abundance.
  • I choose to have deep, loving connections with friends and family.

I know, to the depths of my soul, that my IMG(MF!) was created to keep me safe. It was a misguided notion that love is scary. That I don’t really need to face myself, love myself, in order to be whole. I don’t know why. Honestly I cannot think of anything that happened particularly to make my IMG(MF) put up those walls to keep me from abundance of any kind. It does make me wonder if it is a past life issue because I swear I was born reserved and afraid of love. But I certainly see the pattern repeated over and over. Keep my “overly smothering” – my IMG(MF!)’s description – mother at arms length. Don’t fight with her necessarily, but certainly don’t be the “best friend” daughter she so clearly craves. Label emotionally open/available people as “too needy/dramatic/weak” to allow them in. Anyone who seems to be clearly attracted to you in *any* way? Find something in them that you can judge and view them with contempt. Heck, don’t even bother hiding it. Meet someone you do respect and want to be around? Now flip your behavior and act star struck and stupid and view yourself as desperate and clingy. DO incredibly odd, socially awkward things just to find a way to belong in a group that has people you want to be around. Use money (or lack of it) as an excuse to not do things with people because that is an easy excuse to keep your distance. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and reach out if you present yourself as the single mom with very little money. Berate yourself and feel incredibly lonely when, of course, people *don’t* invite you to join them because you have said and done incredibly hurtful or desperate things.

Such a confusing set of voices in my head!

And none of them are loving. None of them are helping me to first and foremost, love ME.

The anomaly in all of this is Marcus. One shining exception of a relationship that I haven’t sabotaged. Because with HIM, I see that I am lovable. I feel completely loved. I swear I cobbled together the skills to adapt to him by some small miracle because I sure wasn’t reading books and didn’t have a tribe or people around me who could teach me like I do now.

I will accept and feel immense gratitude at that time in my life when I let YOU, my Inner Wisdom, gain control over all the IMG(MF!) thoughts.

The important thing is that the patterns of self love are there. I just need to make those grooves go further and deeper.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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