April 11th – When opening your heart hurts

Dear me,

I started this journaling habit with some idea to mark when I had some breakthourgh “moments” – hoping to increase the days when I felt most plugged in – Girl on Fire.

At first I hought GoF would mean a good day – a happy one. So today, was not really that. In fact, there have been, and continue to be, mnay sad tears shed. Not for me, but for my friends who I love with all my heart.

Because somethimes when you open your heart, the joy that enters it comes lined with aching too.

I felt GoF because I listened today. I got the idea in my head last night to perhaps not do boot camp. With the training I am doing for the upcoming running events I have, Saturday brings with it not just the one hour boot camp but also a run that takes up nearly another hour of the day. Given my usual Saturday chores (groceries + bookkeeping work), combined with this being vet weekend to get the cats groomed, it was going to be a challenge to get that all done. Still, I *coudl* have done it. On the other hand, I heard you talking to me idn’t I inner voice? I knew I was the only one going to boot camp today. The other client was camping. Renee would be totally fine if I cancelled. I’d give her back another hour in her day. But then you spoke up…”No, you need to see Renee – you need to talk to her and see if she is OK…cancel boot camp, but invite her for a coffee talk instead.” After the group call, I took Chip to the vet and the idea came to me again – I know in the past I would have second guessed myself. Would hae cancelled but no invited her out. Would have let my inner critic tell me I was being foolish, that she wouldn’t want to have coffee and just ahng out. Hah – just typing that out now is what seems so foolish!!! 

Nope, I listened to my WISE inner voice – the connected one – and I sent out the text and we ended up having an amazing 2.5 hour conversation. And yeah, there were tears. It brought up memories and emotions from 15 years ago that I needed to feel to be supportive and she opened up in a way she never has. I shed tears because I remember the pain she is feeling now.  I shed tears because I *know* how hard it is for her right now, but I also KNOW she will find what she is worthy of just as I did. But, it is going to suck getting there for a bit.

But see? GoF for LISTENING to my instincts. 

After chores I went on my run. Chose to listen to my body and just run 3 miles easy on the track instead of 5 race pace miles on the pavement. Listtened to a podcast and was feeling good. Stopped after to watch some birds in the grass. Horned larks and western bluebirds and one other species that I need to look up. I was soaking in just enjoying the larks and the intense blue of the bluebirds when a text came through. That text caused me to look at my email and see the news – a dear friend’s husband who has been battling cancer is nearing the end. He stuck around to see his youngest get through his bar mitzvah but this weekend he pretty much told the family it was time to say their goodbyes. Linda is in Florida. Tandy (in Maine), was texting me. We both shed tears in that moment for our friend and her heart break. Me, on a bench in the middle school field and her in bed with a bad cold and her cat. We would both love nothing more than to be able to hop on their first flgiht out to be there for our friend. I feel helpless. The text I send to Linda seems so inadequate, but at least she knows we are with her in spirit.

If I had not cut short my run, I would not have been available to cry with Tandy and send love to Linda at a reasonable east coast time. 

Dear universe – please hold the Randall family in your loving arms. If Neil is due to move on, then walk him gently through the corridors to peace and a pain free landing.  Let us, her friends here, know what we can best do to support Linda and help us make it happen. 

Be kind, be loving, just be.

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