April 4th – Coach’s birthday!

Dear me,

I paid the price last night for not writing! Watched an episode of House of Cards after a late evening run and totally forgot about it and ended up dreaming about Claire Underwood until my alarm went off at  4:30am so I could watch the lunar eclipse in my backyard. Then I came back inside at 5am to nap and one of the cats decided to whine and moan the whole time so even though I did fall asleep, I kept hearing him in the background of my dreams. Sheesh.

Ever since really wrapping my brain around the notion of truly loving myself unconditionally – NO judgment – I feel…lighter? It’s been a challenge. I catch the inner critic not just aimed at me but also at things/people around me, but then I take a breath and go to my Happy Place – just for a few seconds even to get the full impact of visualizing it and letting the joy infused energy wash over me – but it really does work to stop the Bad Thought Train.

And I had opportunity galore to be self critical the last 48 hours. But, I wasn’t! We kind of spur of the moment arranged a birthday celebration for Renee. I felt relaxed and just stayed calm, listened to conversations and didn’t have the usual dialogue going on in my brain encouraging me to feel awkward or worry about the things I said.

Thank you, inner voice, for responding to the new habits and letting me see how good that can feel.

Thank you too, for making the connection about the group call topic and my relationship with money from the past. I know I’ve used that as a crutch – heck, I’ve worn it as my identity! “The single mom who cannot afford anything!” Man, was that a running line in our lives.That’s one mindset that I can trace back to my parents. No blame, it just is what it is for them too. I know both boys are so mindful of our state of “lacking”. Hate that I raised them like that, BUT, it is what it is and we are beginning a new dialogue around it now.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

(boy did that work out well for me today!)

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