April 1 – Yup, it was The Fool’s Day

Dear me,

OK, I am going to allow myself ONE DAY to whine about playing the fool and contemplating the shit that stirred up in March causing my inner bitch voice to make some valiant attempts to break me down. She did NOT prevail, but there were some touch and go moments and now I just need her to GO THE FUCK AWAY already.

Things I learned about myself in March that were NOT pleasant: When I do speak from my place of anger/fear, I am really mean spirited and cutting. As in, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to piss me off. A lot of what Carmen said back at me hit home and I have to own that. Same with Nick. I’ve been cold and distant with his friends in recent years for reasons that seemed profoundly logical in MY mind, but which of course only came across as me being a cold hearted bitch to them. I own that.

Remember that exercise in writing down people I admire and then listing their traits and then matching those traits up with my own Authentic Self characteristics? Well, it is also true that the shit I cannot stand in other people is piled high and deep in my bones. This past two weeks I’ve caught myself in the following screw ups:

  • Reading something too fast so that I missed a critical detail – an email involving the same people with whom I made this mistake LAST month! Oh yes, detail oriented accountant cannot do a simple task. (Yet, let me catch Carmen in that error and fur would fly, amirite?)
  • Not listening to my inner voice when it tried to warn me not to post something on social media. Take a few breaths and THINK FIRST! There was no rush to be in the conversation, no burning need to say something, and there was a niggle of a warning about doing it. I ignored it, and sure enough, got my balls busted for it (rightly so!). GAH! And of course it is something that *I* got upset about when someone else did it to me some time ago, yet there I go behaving the same way.
  • Ignoring the inner voice – again! – and not slowing down when a Mission Critical email arrived. What have I been bitching about for 6 weeks? The refinance process. Who have I been bitching about? The loan officer. What do you bitch about? Lack of communication and not matching my sense of urgency that this needs to get done. I get the all important email directly from the new and improved lender WITH the loan details that I have desperately wanted to see since Friday night and WHAT DO I DO? I act the TOTAL fool and my brain freezes on the password for opening the Docusign account. Yeah, it’s been a few weeks since it was sent to me, but hey, if you just CALM THE FUCK DOWN and go back through the emails from the loan officer, you will find it. Oh, but NO, instead to try one, it fails, you see that there are just 2 more attempts before it locks you out, so you select the “I don’t have a password” button thinking it will tell you how to get one. Which, it does (contact your loan officer dumbo). No wanting to do that, you finally take the time to find the original email, find the password and try to get back in only to find out….LOCKED! Hitting that button as you did wiped out the secure link and now you HAVE to contact the loan officer and admit to your foolishness and ask him to contact the lender to send a fresh link. That all unfolded at about 2pm. It’s 7:15pm – no new link. So WHO are we blaming for the current delay in processing?  Yup, the fool in the mirror.

I now have these four lines written down on a notepad under my monitor at work:

  1. Slow and STEADY (seriously, no more acting the impulsive fool. 3 minutes would have saved me who knows how long)
  2. Trust – in relation to anyone, but specifically Carmen and Nick, stop letting past transgressions color my impression of future interactions. View them from a place of love and kindness not suspicion and anger.
  3. Face Value – I don’t do this as frequently as I think Carmen does, and I rarely act on it, BUT, I need to stop letting my fear voice interpret my interactions with people. There should not be this internal wresting match going on as every email/chat/phone/in person conversation happens where I am projecting motives/meaning to something said that just is not there. Take the words at face value ALWAYS as the starting point. Because 97% of the time that is exactly all it is. The other 3% can be dealt with as they happen because you will save yourself tons of mental energy by not doing so much battle with yourself up front.
  4. Verify – BE THE ACCOUNTANT – check, and double check, the details before you respond to a question. It’s not about being fastest or first, it’s about being ACCURATE.

Here’s a question to you inner me – what is causing this inner bitch voice? What is her motive? What triggers her? Fear of what? A notion she is protecting me from what? Because something makes her come out and wreak havoc in my relationships. Well, havoc is a strong word – it’s not so dramatic or obvious. But she sure pushes me to say/do things that *I* think end up pushing people away by hurting or offending them in some way. Which is SO INSANELY contradictory because one thing I KNOW is a huge insecurity of mine is in the area of making/keeping friendships. So why then is there a part of me actively trying to sabotage me in this area?

Be kind (to myself and others), be loving (ditto), just be.

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