March 30th GGID Journal

Dear me,

Today started off with some obvious fallout from the weekend still swimming around in my head. I had every intention of speaking and acting from a place of love and not fear or resentment, but…oopsie! Carmen came to ask a question early in the day, I could feel the hair on my neck stand up (Seriously, how weird is that?!) and I was completely unable to be 100% pleasant. I was neutral, but I also know I got a little edgy. Later, I had to return the item she brought to me and we talked a bit more and that also went downhill somewhat. She just repeated so many defensive responses that I finally could not hold my tongue and I said “OK, I get it, that example was something that was my fault” She, of course, denied that she meant it that way and said “No, it just wasn’t my error.” To which I said “Oh, right because it’s not ever your fault.”

Real mature eh? I was not proud ;/

Luckily I had to take a break today to run an errand which got me out of the office for once (I always eat at my desk…normally hate going anywhere…lazy!) and that helped me turn my thought process around. Not that I was tested….we never spoke the rest of the day.

But hey – it was only her! I enjoyed my conversations with everyone else. Even the sales weasels who called! Now, THAT is a huge one for me. I normally LOVE being a totally ass to sales callers. But I softened my tone, listened to their first sentence or two and then quietly asked them to remove my number because I was not interested. You know what? They listened! No follow up begging/nagging! They just said “Well, sorry about that, but have a lovely day!” DANG!

Patched things up nicely on the home front. Big hugs and then lots of talking/listening. Of course, he does all the talking 😉 Dear lord does that kid talk! Only person who comes close to him on the ability to yap is his father. So in love with their own voices. So opposite of me. I work things out by talking to the voices in my head (or, by writing in here lately)…he works things out by talking out loud which generally requires someone with a set of ears to listen. Because unlike his dad who will do hours long soliloquies that require no response, he does actually expect periodic responses & reaction. Seriously though it has been this way since he was a baby so this isn’t the addiction. This is HIS Authentic Self :))

I do have to say that this weekend sure gave me some exposure to perhaps a stronger example of my Inner Critic than I’ve experienced in a long time. And I sure don’t like her! I know I projected that onto Carmen this morning. Sort of used her as the embodiment of all the criticisms that ran through my head in the last week.

Hmmm…I’m too tired right now, but perhaps tomorrow I should write a letter to that Inner Critic and tell her what she can do with herself?

Yes, might be a plan. After some rest and, I SWEAR, a day when I WILL just go with the flow & operate from love.

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