March 29th GGID Journal

Dear me,

Well, it’s been a weekend eh?

I am grateful for knowing that I needed to collapse for a bit. Needed to give in to the hurt and sadness when my son went through a phase that spurred him to rifle through my bedroom looking for god knows what.

I am grateful for being currently surrounded by friends who know what this is and counseled me as we went on a wonderful ‘wan’ today. Insight was gained. I need to find an al-anon group nearby to have other people to talk to. It is otherwise impossible to live with someone who, even though sober, is still an addict with an addicts’ mindset and behaviors. Some of those things will eventually fall away, but some may stick around because they are really a symptom of his bi-polar issues. I should not put up with these things, but I also have to detach and not take them personally. And as much as I want to tell him what to do about it and what he is doing wrong, I can’t. It cannot come from me as it just wont penetrate.

I am grateful for staying plugged in despite a deep urge to withdraw. In prior years I would have just dropped off the planet for a bit socially. Gone on a long run alone. Stayed off social media for a few days. But even in the throes of feeling hurt yesterday, I initiated the running plan with my friends. I reached out this morning and posted into our private group so that I couldn’t escape talking about it on the run because I knew at least one of them would see it.

Remember those tarot cards? Ask for help – don’t walk through the fires alone.

I am grateful that for the rest of the day I simply opened up to you, inner voice, to ask you what we needed to do next. It has been a lovely combination of finishing up some previously put off nagging chores and also sitting outside with my feet up.

I feel like I need to spend the next few days or so just doing that. No To Do list. No great expectations of what I should accomplish or who I should talk to or Things I Need to Make Happen. Yes, I have work of course, but that’s different. I mean, for ME, for my soul. I think I need to perhaps be more present and plugged into ME and be open to whatever comes my way.

And right now that means one more episode of House of Cards before bed 😉

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