Wait – I’ll be back – first I have to write a letter to Carmen….
OK – phew! Made it private – it was a pretty fantastic venting I must say. And only one curse word too!
So – hi there oh inner voice of mine and universe in general. Can you tell I had my conference with my employee today? I’m trying to determine if it went well, or awful or somewhere in between. I’m leaning toward it actually going well. I kept my focus, didn’t get emotional at all. Felt very clear minded and in tune with what I needed to say and doing it respectfully. I was taken aback by some of her pointed responses that in many ways were quite real and skirting on the edge of truth. I *think* I conveyed to her that I understood her position and frustrations. I know she is wary of future blow ups and that she feels utterly clueless on how to prevent them. That’s frustrating all around. At any rate, I think that many eggshells will have to be laid down and walked upon in the future to keep the peace.
I am so so so grateful to my online sister in GGID who was there with a couple of awesome videos on my messenger to make me laugh, and then chatted me down from my semi-ledge point as I got home. She had walked through some challenges of her own today and ended up writing a letter that she literally burned in the trash can o’ fire tonight (sent me that video too – love her!) So I did the same and wrote that letter to Carmen to lay out everything I really needed to say to her and also to apologize and forgive her for everything. I kept telling her today “clean slate – here’s what we do moving forward.” and the only way I can properly honor that is by first writing out all my complaints. Now the slate really does feel wiped clean.
Also, Marcus called and I hashed everything out with him and even read him some of what I wrote 🙂 That felt good! SO SO SO grateful to him for being there tonight to listen (even though I know he has his own shit to vent, but I told him he can have my undivided attention tomorrow night!)
Also grateful for tap shoes – because I came home and tapped away my frustrations – felt SO GOOD to make some NOISE. I sucked even doing my basic “scales” but it was nice to just focus on something like that for 20 minutes.
And now, the cool trippy thing that happened this morning!! So, in the part of the feng shui book last night that I read, the author talking about finding the “spirit” of your house. She recommended meditating on the front door and seeing who answered it, or who came down the stairs or just in general who, or what, appeared in your mind. It didn’t necessarily have to be human – it could be an animal or even a certain plant, tree or flower, or insect – anything with a life force. So that was the focus of my morning meditation. So I focused on my entry way and calmed my mind and just said “Hi – how are you? I hope you are feeling the love I’ve been giving to you by cleaning out the old energy and I want you to know that I will get out there and clean up those weeds soon, but hey there – can I see you?” And at first there was nothing but since I had mentioned cleaning and clearing the yard I then said “you know, we are going to have an appraiser here soon to help me get a new loan so that I can stay here even longer and also release some abundance that I can use to improve things around here so I would really appreciate your help with projecting the most prosperous image you can.”
And then you know what I saw in my mind? I saw the ruffling of feathers! Like when a bird fluffs itself up after it’s been cleaning itself or bathing in a water fountain!!! It was as clear as could be! Right away I knew it was a falcon. I just KNEW. Because we are the Falcons, right? OK, so that’s the local high school and the local pop warner teams that my son played for, but that’s what we are! What’s the avatar on this blog? It’s a falcon!! My house spirit is absolutely a falcon!
What did our beloved coach Wolfie always say to get the team fired up? “Who are we?” FALCONS!!
And hey – while I am not sure if the purple vibrations I needed were quite there at every moment today, I do know that the green ones were. I didn’t put off a single conversation (not even the big one obviously) and I did hear back from the lender tonight who is clearly busting his butt trying every creative way possible to get an approval for me. We both have a little homework to do tomorrow, but we WILL make this happen!