JGID Day 9

Dear me,

Part way through reading Writing Down Your Soul and came to this suggestion about how to trigger tapping into you, my inner voice. I’ve been talking TO you but have I been listening back? Yes, some…mostly over the course of a day something will bubble up and then open cracks to other things but this time…well..as the book suggests, let’s forget all rules of writing and grammar:
What am I worried about? Money and Nick
What sends my stomach in knots? Money
Greatest fear? That I can’t pay something big (property tax/tuition for Alex)
What do I want? To stop worrying about money! Financial freedom!

OK so WHY are you always in this scenario? Why has this been the dominating worry of your adult life? Despite a steady job with sufficient salary increases and even times when you’ve had windfalls of cash – why are you still on the brink seemingly every single year multiple times a year?

I know I feel tremendous guilt over NOT taking care of my money wisely. Yet I have blown it every time I’ve had a windfall that could have bailed me out for good. Why? So does this brinksmanship game act as a punishment? What is keeping me from learning this lesson? What am I resisting? Is it really something as basic as a desire to belong? But I’m not Keeping Up with the Jonses in the traditional sense…so..?
I know I do need to focus more confidently on living my own life. Don’t sign up for races because everyone else does! I do certainly have copycat tendencies in order to “belong”. You caught yourself leaning towards copying things from other people’s pillars before you came up with yours this month. And…it felt good to NOT go the lazy route and just sit with yourself a little longer to come up with your own. In fact, pushing away the urge to copy and then switching gears to being more authentic felt GOOD.

Of course, some of those pulls towards doing what others are doing has led you to discover many things that you do LOVE, that you otherwise may not have tried out. So, you know, don’t beat yourself up for being a copycat! Just take some time to really asses the WHY behind your desire to do something especially when it means spending money NOT in your plan, OK?

BE AUTHENTIC! Be YOU! You may not carry around the typical inner negative voice dropping tons of specific criticisms on you, but you do have a LOT of self doubt. It’s nebulous. So hard to pin down and recognize. It’s more of a generic….eh…do people really like me? Can I really do this? Oh, well then I better make sure by doing THIS and THAT and buying this and joining in on THIS and signing up for THAT and and and…. And then I feel guilty about doing those not always authentic (to me) things and spending money like that so then I buy things for the house and the boys to ease THAT guilt so that I can prove I didn’t take anything away from THEM in my desire to be liked.

Oh…THAT’s what I’ve been doing.

So I will stop that now OK? All that has happened in these decades of playing this game is that you have only hurt YOU. And blocked yourself from fully accepting the abundance of the universe. I forgive myself and set myself free.

Live like no on else (now) so you can live like no one else (later).

My refi WILL get done this month

Nick WILL get a job this month

My parents WILL start getting an extra $500/mo in March

I value everyone equally.

I forgive myself and set myself free.

 

*This affirmation list is getting pretty long!* 🙂

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