I suppose that this is supposed to be started off like that. Or perhaps, addressed to me? I don’t know – I am absolutely new to this journal thing. Blogging, no problem. But a dear diary/journal/me sort of thing? Quite odd.
OTOH, let’s do a little stream of consciousness from earlier this evening shall we?
Yo chica! Why are you standing here frozen and confused? You’ve rehearsed this! Walked down to the gym here at work at least 3-4 times. Tested the key card. Made sure there was a recumbent bike (just one which is a bit nerve wracking because what if it is occupied on the only night of the week you want to try it out? Will you use a regular stationary bike? Oh gah! Too much to consider!)…you’ve checked out the girls bathroom before. Made sure that at 5pm there’s plenty of empty locker space. You packed everything you need to just change into workout gear. Since you DID check out the bathrooms before (and tested your key card, did I mention that?) you are AWARE that you need to use your key card to access the bathroom. That’s why you feel safe leaving your work clothes in an unlocked locker. You locked everything valuable in your car in the guarded parking garage. You will have your car key and phone with you in the gym. You’ve got this! So WHY did you try the bathroom door without using a key card? Why is that locked door making you stare like a deer int headlights at it? Why did the different sized key pad next to the door confuse you? Why are you staring at the “occupied” slot on the ladies room and wondering why it has one but the mens’ doesn’t? Why has your brain totally lost ability to remember that the bathroom is a large room, not a single stall that CAN be locked from inside? Why are you panicking about standing there? Why are you thinking you need to go up to the office to change and then come back down? Why are you afraid people are watching you stand there all confused and anxious? There is a KEY PAD NEXT TO THE DOOR! TRY IT!!! *click* – well goddam honey, see? Are the memories flooding back now? You are in, all is well and you will be able to go in and get this workout done. I tell ya – if only you could have confidence and a clear head whenever you are trying something new. I have no idea why all common sense flies right outta your ears when confronted with NEW! I really don’t even want to think about how many times in the past your brain freeze and stopped you completely from trying something out of your comfort zone. GAH! On the other hand – it is progress that tonight you didn’t let it become a total fail. So. let’s build on that OK? The bike was free, you did your 45 minutes and that felt good.
So before that 5pm near clusterfuck – the day had gone great. Lot’s of opportunities for DISCOVERY. Which, I think, helped when the gym issue cropped up. Listened to several great podcasts and discovered the Hay House radio site.
SO TODAY I am grateful for an open mind and heart that leads me to places/people that can teach me new ways of thinking and being. I am grateful for breaking through my resistance (yes, I know that’s what causes my confused state in times like that). I am grateful for getting a phone call from a lender who *should* be able to get that refi done!
My refi will get done this month.
My son WILL get a job.
We WILL be able to help support my parents.
Thank you for an ABUNDANCE of DISCOVERY today.