April 27th – Approved?

Dear me,

Yes, the title means I received notification the loan has been approved along with a request for 4 more documents that are typical of the final process. However, the question mark is because there is still no appraisal report as of this writing and I truly cannot celebrate until I see that :) So….tentative yay?

I do have to write out a rather amusing process that is STILL….in process. In my reworking/strategizing over the use of my funds I decided that I would set aside my Sears card for auto repairs and nothing else. Now, I knew going in that this auto shop had a less than fabulous reputation. The Yelp reviews were actually so bad that they were funny. But I needed a total brake job and it was better for me to put that on the card (no interest for 12 months) and funnel that cash to pay off another small credit account. They were fine. Later on I needed an oil change. No problem. Well…small things like it takes a long time to check in your car and it ends up taking longer than they quote and they may not call you back when they say they will. Then I started to get a brake sensor warning light so…I take it back since they did a total brake job. Turns out it was the sensor itself that is faulty. They need to order the part from the Mercedes dealer. And…cue a cycle that has now been repeated THREE TIMES…they order it….they fail to call me to tell me it is in….I finally call them, find out it IS there and make an appointment. They say it will take an hour to install so I set aside time to just hang out around the mall while they work. And every time I wait longer than I should and then it ends up that THEY HAVE THE WRONG PART!! Seriously, there are apparently 5 possible brake sensors in the ABS system of my 12 year old car. After the 2nd time I had already arranged for them to cover everything but this is just so ridiculous! I left today with them agreeing to just order all possible parts out of their own pocket. CALL ME when they are in and I will – AGAIN – show up for them to install the correct one and then they can return the unused parts. Now, you want to talk about allowing me to practice being loving and patient and not getting too caught up in the inconvenience of it all – WOW! But, other than showing some disappointment on my face and dropping a very calm “this is bullshit” once (which is when they agreed I pay nothing), I’ve done pretty well at keeping calm. I’ve actually been quite happy with the efforts of one mechanic in particular who took it personally upon himself to go to the dealer the last time. He was off today, but still called me from his cell phone to tell me the part was there. He is going to be SO upset himself when he gets in tomorrow and realizes it was still not right! At this point I’m on a first name basis with at least 6 people who work there ;)

I’m doing a little bit of battle in my head each time resisting the urge to try and find the “meaning” behind each of these failed attempts. They just are what they are….simply cementing my original plan which was to use Sears *temporarily*!

What needs to happen is that I need to CHANGE the meaning behind the events. That was the message behind one video I listened to this morning. What is work (for instance?) Normally the meaning behind the word work is..well..work…something hard and or boring and a place you don’t want to go, right? What if work = that place you go where you get paid really well to do something you are really good at doing? Pretty cool, right? Along the same lines, by changing meaning and intentions at the start of your day you can kick off an immediate change. Your circumstances don’t change, but your *perception* of them does. Like with abundance/money – I don’t really *have* more than than I did in January. I’ve just changed the way I view what I do receive and how I use it. That change was pretty immediate. I feel so much less anxiety/stress around money.

Intention is so so so critical.

“May I be more loving than ever before for the betterment of all.” I will say that when I wake up to set my intention for each day.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 26th – Tuning in

Dear me,

This is not a race report, but I do want to thank you for speaking up loud enough to me when I noticed one woman who always seemed to be travelling along during the race with me. We would take turns being ahead or behind and I would slow down to walk through the water stations and then I had to stop and stretch twice more than half way through, but still there we were near each other as we hit the bottom of the biggest hill descent at Mile 10. She said something to me about how I was doing a great job keeping a steady pace and how she had kept me in sight from the start. I smiled and said thank you kind of weakly at first, but then stole a longer glance at her and could tell she was struggling. At least – her running gait looked even more cumbersome than mine FELT (which is saying a lot by that point!). So I kept her next to me for about another 1/10th of a mile on purpose and then I initiated a longer conversation and let her know I would stay with her. That right there is something else that might never have happened a year ago. But today I am very happy I listened to the pull of your voice saying “run with her” because from then on any aches or tightness I was feeling seemed to drop away and despite the last hill climb up and down that was in front of us at miles 12 and 13 we kept chugging along and I even got her sprinting with me through the finish line :)  She was very grateful and I was too!

A similar tap on my shoulder yesterday resulted in meeting someone who I swear I must have known in another life. On the same community board where I found a buyer for the piano, I saw a post from someone looking for a house to use for filming a series of educational videos for the military. There’s grant money from the University of Tennessee and the homeowner would be paid $300/day used. Possibly 2-3 days. There were already a few replies, but then I looked closer and saw the videographer wanted a *modest* house and when I saw the addresses of the other respondents I knew those places were anything but modest! The rooms are supposed to look like a young military officer’s residence – not a high powered attorney! Anyhow, I decided to reach out and the person contacted me just after the race and came by this afternoon. We hit it off instantly! She was even a little disappointed that I sold the piano already because she wants one for her daughter! We could have chatted for hours I swear. I think there’s a good chance she will use my house (money that will go straight to my parents) but beyond that I know we will get together again just to chat. She’s a newbie runner doing her first half marathon in November :)

But again – responding to a post like that is something I never would have done before. I would just *assume* that other folks houses were better than mine and walk away. SO happy that I didn’t let any IMG(MF) voices talk me out of that yesterday!

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 24th – and then I kept walking.

Dear me,

Well, what a podcast recording that was tonight eh?

Coming after that little ocular migraine as I drove home (year, that was pleasant!) it was nice to just lie down and listen to a very loving voice speak.

Briefly, the gist of the talk was to live with a very very simple intent of love and love alone.

The scenario was this “you are walking home from the store and someone bumps into you causing you to drop your groceries. You can gnash your teeth and rant or wonder why this happened to you and what is the universe trying to teach you…..OR….you can pick up your things thinking ‘well, that happened’…and keep on walking.”

“You wake up, believing you will have the most awesome day ever, but then you don’t, and…you keep on walking.”

It was such a simple message of a very simple life.

Sort of like the one line of the Indigo Girls song that tends to get stuck in my head: “The less I seek the source of some definitive, closer I am to fine.”

I think this was a reminder that in my continued discoveries, I should remember that my focus is on loving myself completely.

Sort of why I listened to my Inner Wisdom and decided against digging around for *reasons* why my fears and insecurities were what they were, right?

It no longer matters what the question is, the answer is always love.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 23rd – Just Be

Dear me,

From the Hay House calendar today:

“Today there is no need for me to struggle. I trust the Universe to take care of me.”

In the past I might have reacted to that with “Gawd! Thank YOU! I needed to hear that because I’ve been so wound about about items a,b,c,d,e…..(etc) that are so critical to my life but are out of my control now and the waiting is the hardest part and…and..and….!!!”

And that would have been my IMG(MF!) setting my hair on fire causing me to lose sleep and lose focus while awake.

Instead what I said was “Yes, that’s about right, isn’t it? I do trust the Universe to take care of me (and it may, or may not result in what it is I am thinking it will be and that’s OK.)”

So zen of me, isn’t it?!

But really! I’m not kidding – this focus thing? It’s gotten to be almost my default setting. I really noticed it when I was asked for an update on this large project I volunteered for at work. It’s tedious and there’s a LOT to get done and I was initially not given a time frame for it. I read between the lines of the request for an update and pushed a little harder for a deadline. Sure enough “Oh, I was hoping within the next 45 days?” Uh huh. But, rather than feeling a tightening in my gut or a tensing in my neck and shoulders, I just broke down the remaining files that need to be completed, estimated how much time each would take and responded with “How about 60 days?” and got the OK. Previously that negative reaction would have resulted in me then pushing myself to knock them out faster and for sure to commit to doing a lot of the work at home. But I am getting MORE done at work in 8 hours than ever before because I keeping a relaxed focus. In The Zone as Renee described it while running her marathon on Monday. So I know I can get it done without working from home unless other things pop up and the time frame I quoted her doesn’t FORCE me to work extra hours.

Meanwhile, the theme of the podcast series I’m listening to tonight (taking a break to write) is essentially “What would it be like to not WANT anything?” My immediate response was “You just BE.”

Honestly that is really where I’ve been – just here. Just being. Watching the birds in the yard (Orange crowned warbler so close tonight that I could clearly SEE his orange crown which is not all that common – sweet!). Laughing at the hummingbirds chasing each other but then taking turns eating at the feeder. Last night I forgot to write mostly because I came home, had a 40 minute dance party because I just wanted to blast music, sing and dance (and truly that was more of an aerobic workout than a 40 minute run would have been!), watched TV, read, and fell asleep. Yes, there are things I plan to do on an everyday basis like meditate and write in here, but if a day is missed, fine.

Because even though I am setting an intention to write to you, Inner Wisdom, every day, we both know that I talk to you ALL day now. Or, really, what that means is that I take many small moments to be silent wherever I am and just check in with myself.

It’s OK to not constantly WANT. Nobody is thinking about me. Breathe in, breathe out.

Because I realize that in slowing down, in allowing myself to just BE and not always DOING, I actually get more done – how fun is that?!

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 21st – Silencing the judgement

Dear me,

In classic universal energy fashion, I listened to hay house radio at just the right time today. Funny thing is, the segment with the message I needed to hear wasn’t even in a show – it was during a break between shows at the top of the hour when they replay snippets from live events.

So what I had been pondering upon discovering that the biggest fear I seem to have is the fear of being found out to be something I am not (a fraud!) is all the times I feel like I’ve “gotten away with one”. I already confessed in an earlier post to the biggest one of those, but there are others of course. Because we are, after all, harshest in judgment upon ourselves, I can think of lots and lots! But there are some Bigger Ticket items. And I was thinking – “should I write confessionals and forgiveness notes for all of those too?”

Does it matter if I do? In some cases they were things I did that could have hurt a company/organization. But in one case I completely *didn’t* get away with it and in another I circled back and made it somewhat right later on without anyone being the wiser. (Yeah, one I got away with). Mind you I am digging back deep into my sketchy earlier decades here :) Most other things that I tend to punish myself for with an IMG lecture are things I *say* to people. And yes, I’ve paid a price because that is what has effectively kept me from having the sorts of deep, connected, loving friendships that I truly want.

This exact topic (old misdeeds) was what came up on the radio segment. And the message was: The universe doesn’t judge – you do. The analogy they gave was to anyone watching a toddler as they learn to walk. Those little legs collapse out from under them a lot – and we don’t say “Hey, you dummy! Get up and get it together!” No – because we know it’s just a toddler *learning* a new skill. Spirit/energy/angels/gods are the same way watching us. We are souls learning skills in each lifetime. We stumble as we learn. We don’t need external judgment and punishment heaped upon us because our own psyches do that. Mind you, I (and they) were of course talking about things that generally do no great harm to anyone. “Spirit doesn’t judge.” It picks you up, tries to console you, hopes you learned and grew stronger from the experience and sets you back on your path – just as you would with a fallen, crying toddler.

So no, I wont dig back and list everything in my past that I’ve done wrong. The universe really doesn’t care. And I don’t either.

One of the other cool things I heard this week was “Nobody is thinking about me.”  That’s true, isn’t it? Nobody is thinking about me. Only me. Other people may love me (and certainly do make me feel loved), but nobody is thinking about ME in the way that I think about me. The minute that is absorbed, then all those expectations of others (which inevitably will disappoint me) dissolve away. There was one person who was created to think/obsesses/love you 24/7. And that is YOU. Or, me..in this case….but…we know what we mean ;)

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 20th – Surprising discovery

Dear me,

Continuing with the Inner Mean Girl book there was a section to identtify which primary fears triggers the appearance of the overly protective IMG. 

I wasn’t surprised that fear of betrayal and rejection got rankings of 7 out of 10. But the one that got a 9? 

Fear of being exposed as a fraud!  Wow. I felt so immediatelt hot under the collar reading it. Fear of people finding out you don’t really know what you are doing and that people will discover how insecure you really are. 

Dang.

Now I undersand why the Overly Optimistic Cheerleader was my highest scoring IMG.

I’m letting that one percolate for a bit. Where was that fear born and bred? 

Does it matter if I figure that out? 

I think what matters still is that I need to develop a deeper love of myself and then that fear will slip away. 

Along those lines I took advantage of the opportunity to play at tap dancing today. Then I watched the hummingbirds chaase each other around the feeder. Most fun of all for me? Tracking Renee was she ran her second Boston Marathon and cheering her on to completely crush last year’s time by over 14 minutes! Timed it so I caught her on the live finish line camera again and shed a tear or twelve as it all unfolded. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my friend’s acheive their dreams!

As Renee wrote later “Today was a GOOD day!”

Yes, it really, really was.

Be kind, be loving, just be.

April 18th – Inner Mean Girl (Mind F*cker!)

Dear me,

What a fantastic GGID group call we had this morning! It so perfectly followed exactly where I had stopped reading last night in the Inner Mean Girl book. I had just identified the 2 main areas where I feel my IMG(MF!) sabotages me and completed an exercise in the book with statements about those areas that ended with “I choose” declarations. Those statements are me, taking a stand FOR myself to silence the IMG(MF!).

Where is the MF coming from? Oh that is the ethereally lovely Miss Farida who just dropped the knowledge on everyone about her inner Mind Fucker. I honestly had to mute myself for the laughter that burst out of me and then the Church Mama style “AMEN!” I was saying as she spoke.

These are my declarations which I’ve now written out in four separate places which means that I am taking a masterful stand for ME:

  • I choose to be at ease with money and be free of the burden of debt and feelings of scarcity. I choose to attract, accept and honor abundance.
  • I choose to have deep, loving connections with friends and family.

I know, to the depths of my soul, that my IMG(MF!) was created to keep me safe. It was a misguided notion that love is scary. That I don’t really need to face myself, love myself, in order to be whole. I don’t know why. Honestly I cannot think of anything that happened particularly to make my IMG(MF) put up those walls to keep me from abundance of any kind. It does make me wonder if it is a past life issue because I swear I was born reserved and afraid of love. But I certainly see the pattern repeated over and over. Keep my “overly smothering” – my IMG(MF!)’s description – mother at arms length. Don’t fight with her necessarily, but certainly don’t be the “best friend” daughter she so clearly craves. Label emotionally open/available people as “too needy/dramatic/weak” to allow them in. Anyone who seems to be clearly attracted to you in *any* way? Find something in them that you can judge and view them with contempt. Heck, don’t even bother hiding it. Meet someone you do respect and want to be around? Now flip your behavior and act star struck and stupid and view yourself as desperate and clingy. DO incredibly odd, socially awkward things just to find a way to belong in a group that has people you want to be around. Use money (or lack of it) as an excuse to not do things with people because that is an easy excuse to keep your distance. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and reach out if you present yourself as the single mom with very little money. Berate yourself and feel incredibly lonely when, of course, people *don’t* invite you to join them because you have said and done incredibly hurtful or desperate things.

Such a confusing set of voices in my head!

And none of them are loving. None of them are helping me to first and foremost, love ME.

The anomaly in all of this is Marcus. One shining exception of a relationship that I haven’t sabotaged. Because with HIM, I see that I am lovable. I feel completely loved. I swear I cobbled together the skills to adapt to him by some small miracle because I sure wasn’t reading books and didn’t have a tribe or people around me who could teach me like I do now.

I will accept and feel immense gratitude at that time in my life when I let YOU, my Inner Wisdom, gain control over all the IMG(MF!) thoughts.

The important thing is that the patterns of self love are there. I just need to make those grooves go further and deeper.

Be kind, be loving, just be.