March 31st GGID Journal

Dear me,

Allow me to hijack the journal for a day to post what I shared in the group about how the month of March went:

Food went really well. It was enhanced greatly by listening to the Mindful Eating Summit I seriously do *enjoy* preparing my meals every day. I think I’ve transitioned to Mindful Cooking! But I honestly have enjoyed paying attention to slowing down and really experiencing my food as much as possible. Fitness was inconsistent, but also ended up just fine given my 15k race experience. I wasn’t as dedicated to mid-week running as I would have liked, but I did use the gym at work several times and I also spent several days doing yard work so I wasn’t sedentary, just not running as much. Mindset was a lot like Cat’s – really good overall, many days when I felt completed plugged in, yet I’m ending the month feeling a bit thrashed. Hopeful & on the mend and plugging back in, but still thrashed. It just so happens that my deepest challenges to my mindset were in the last 10 days, BUT, there were certainly improved responses to those challenges (in addition to a couple of slip ups!) I learned a LOT though about different things I can do to change those response habits and keep them coming from a place of love rather than fear/anger. I also had a visit from my Inner Critic who tried to get a grip on me and pull me away from everyone, BUT, I resisted the urge to go into hermit mode and I posted here and I ran with Kellee and Shari and I know that helped pull me away from that mindset a LOT faster and with some insights I would otherwise not have gained. So, the learning continues!

Today, there was a bonus Mindful Eating Summit interview. Well, now I get what it is my inner voice is saying to me. Or, really I get what the source IS for my inner voice. The whole concept of our minds being receptors for the radio frequencies of all thoughts in the universe was at once impossible to believe, and then in an instant, it made perfect sense. The process of thought coming in thought the logical left frontal lobe, being accepted and passed on into the emotional centers of our brains and then transmitted out to every cell in our body….magical! Of course, we trained our minds over the years to only accept “familiar” thoughts….or thoughts from the frequency to which our antennae is set.

(Yes, my 10 year old brain is imagining My Favorite Martian right now…)

There is so much more, but I need to mindfully eat some dinner and then so daydream for a bit to feed my subconscious with a healthy dose of peace, love and understanding. I also need to dig into my photo gallery to find the photo representation of my daydream – the swirling, churning water at the back of a cruise ship. I will be standing out there soaking in the sound and the colors as the sunlight dances through the bubbles at the surface and just beneath.

March 30th GGID Journal

Dear me,

Today started off with some obvious fallout from the weekend still swimming around in my head. I had every intention of speaking and acting from a place of love and not fear or resentment, but…oopsie! Carmen came to ask a question early in the day, I could feel the hair on my neck stand up (Seriously, how weird is that?!) and I was completely unable to be 100% pleasant. I was neutral, but I also know I got a little edgy. Later, I had to return the item she brought to me and we talked a bit more and that also went downhill somewhat. She just repeated so many defensive responses that I finally could not hold my tongue and I said “OK, I get it, that example was something that was my fault” She, of course, denied that she meant it that way and said “No, it just wasn’t my error.” To which I said “Oh, right because it’s not ever your fault.”

Real mature eh? I was not proud ;/

Luckily I had to take a break today to run an errand which got me out of the office for once (I always eat at my desk…normally hate going anywhere…lazy!) and that helped me turn my thought process around. Not that I was tested….we never spoke the rest of the day.

But hey – it was only her! I enjoyed my conversations with everyone else. Even the sales weasels who called! Now, THAT is a huge one for me. I normally LOVE being a totally ass to sales callers. But I softened my tone, listened to their first sentence or two and then quietly asked them to remove my number because I was not interested. You know what? They listened! No follow up begging/nagging! They just said “Well, sorry about that, but have a lovely day!” DANG!

Patched things up nicely on the home front. Big hugs and then lots of talking/listening. Of course, he does all the talking ;) Dear lord does that kid talk! Only person who comes close to him on the ability to yap is his father. So in love with their own voices. So opposite of me. I work things out by talking to the voices in my head (or, by writing in here lately)…he works things out by talking out loud which generally requires someone with a set of ears to listen. Because unlike his dad who will do hours long soliloquies that require no response, he does actually expect periodic responses & reaction. Seriously though it has been this way since he was a baby so this isn’t the addiction. This is HIS Authentic Self :))

I do have to say that this weekend sure gave me some exposure to perhaps a stronger example of my Inner Critic than I’ve experienced in a long time. And I sure don’t like her! I know I projected that onto Carmen this morning. Sort of used her as the embodiment of all the criticisms that ran through my head in the last week.

Hmmm…I’m too tired right now, but perhaps tomorrow I should write a letter to that Inner Critic and tell her what she can do with herself?

Yes, might be a plan. After some rest and, I SWEAR, a day when I WILL just go with the flow & operate from love.

March 29th GGID Journal

Dear me,

Well, it’s been a weekend eh?

I am grateful for knowing that I needed to collapse for a bit. Needed to give in to the hurt and sadness when my son went through a phase that spurred him to rifle through my bedroom looking for god knows what.

I am grateful for being currently surrounded by friends who know what this is and counseled me as we went on a wonderful ‘wan’ today. Insight was gained. I need to find an al-anon group nearby to have other people to talk to. It is otherwise impossible to live with someone who, even though sober, is still an addict with an addicts’ mindset and behaviors. Some of those things will eventually fall away, but some may stick around because they are really a symptom of his bi-polar issues. I should not put up with these things, but I also have to detach and not take them personally. And as much as I want to tell him what to do about it and what he is doing wrong, I can’t. It cannot come from me as it just wont penetrate.

I am grateful for staying plugged in despite a deep urge to withdraw. In prior years I would have just dropped off the planet for a bit socially. Gone on a long run alone. Stayed off social media for a few days. But even in the throes of feeling hurt yesterday, I initiated the running plan with my friends. I reached out this morning and posted into our private group so that I couldn’t escape talking about it on the run because I knew at least one of them would see it.

Remember those tarot cards? Ask for help – don’t walk through the fires alone.

I am grateful that for the rest of the day I simply opened up to you, inner voice, to ask you what we needed to do next. It has been a lovely combination of finishing up some previously put off nagging chores and also sitting outside with my feet up.

I feel like I need to spend the next few days or so just doing that. No To Do list. No great expectations of what I should accomplish or who I should talk to or Things I Need to Make Happen. Yes, I have work of course, but that’s different. I mean, for ME, for my soul. I think I need to perhaps be more present and plugged into ME and be open to whatever comes my way.

And right now that means one more episode of House of Cards before bed ;)

March 27th GGID Journal

Dear me,

This has been one of those days when I feel as if I’ve lived through 3 days rolled into one.

Other than one reactionary, snarky moment on facebook I pretty much held it together too. In person I was all good anyway :) Thank you universe for the opportunity tonight to go hang out at the high school to watch some sports! The lacrosse jv team played against a team that my co-worker’s son is on so I went with him to see that game and then also watched the varsity team play which allowed me to see Alex’s pop warner football coach and his wife and mom. It was such a delight to catch up with all three of them! Also a wonderful way to be connected to people who I adore AND also feel like I was taking a break from the routine of the week.

It was so nice not to be sitting in front of a computer, madly refreshing emails to see when/if I would hear from the lender! Wouldn’t you know it, between games he called and apologized for the delays and promised forms would be emailed over tonight. And, they were! Got home to find them and signed and scanned them back right away.

Movement!

Thank you for that! Much much gratitude.

Thank you too for easing the mindset of my son who went a little sideways last night. He seems much better tonight.

Thank you for the ability to stay plugged in despite some angst and swirling winds around me.

March 26th GGID Journal Part 2

Dear me,

I came to the realization that Carmen lives in constant fear. That’s why she does all of the very annoying things she does – she’s covering her ass from the moment she wakes up until she does to sleep. In every single phase of her life. It’s one huge CYA.

The cross training session planned for yesterday went off without a hitch. Because it was, as I knew, a very simple task. Of course, she assumed the worst. That it would be hard and take hours. When it was done and she said “Oh, I didn’t realize it was this easy.” I responded with “I am not ever going to give you a task that will take you more than an hour without PLENTY of warning and planning.” The look she gave me pretty much said “yeah, you say that, but….”

Sigh – poor woman. I can only assume she was raised in a highly fearful family or that circumstances prior to her coming here drove her to this. But seriously I’ve not met anyone this consistently on the defensive. Trusting no one and assuming many are simply out to get her. I truly, deeply do feel sorry for her. And I know I wont ever overcome that and gain her trust unless she chooses to make some profound changes in her own mindset, but I can, at least, not feed into them. Eggshells are all around, and I am walking gently on them!

Performance evals in May are going to be…….fun!

Meanwhile those tarot cards were interesting eh? As I sit here in limbo twiddling my thumbs trusting that everyone working on my loan is going to come through….OK, not twiddling. I did pull more weeds tonight and get the new table and fountain setup in the prosperity corner position just under the growing tree painting. Was there something in one of those cards about something not being exactly as I expected? Well, the table delivered is not the one I ordered. Same manufacturer, but wrong wood tone and design. Of course, I still like it! It’s nice that it has a little drawer for storage (other one didn’t) and the design has more character. I probably wont fuss over it. While I couldn’t find this exact version on the website, it looks like one quite similar is the same price as what I ordered.

I guess it “fits in” with all my other pretty much miss-matched mish-mash furniture groupings around the house!

I want to expand on the characteristic I referred to as “chill” yesterday. For me, that means not easily offended or ruffled, calm, confident and secure in who he/she is.

I am grateful for learning how to tap into the feeling of being “plugged in” or connected to the energy of the universe. Honestly I feel it by doing what was assigned in that webinar yesterday – just envision my life and how I will feel when all the debts are paid off. I’ve got a pretty good grasp of that again and held it with me all day. It’s amazing how it puts me in a frame of mind that gives me that Girl on Fire feeling!

So I shall take the advice of the tarot cards and just be content where I am…let the people who can help me do what they do…trust that they ARE doing it…keep my little space around me free of old/negative energy and just enjoy being plugged in.

March 26th GGID Journal – Part 1

Dear me,

A mid-day update to save this little nugget. I’m working on a very mundane task that is part of a huge project at work but it is…VERY mundane! So breaks are needed to protect my eyes from falling out (I swear!)

Listening to hay house while I did this, one of the hosts was doing Angel Tarot Card readings (always fun, not sure how much I connect with it, but I don’t find it ridiculous at all…just sort of skeptical still thought quite amused). Anyhow, I remembered that one of the other hosts’ has a page on her site where you can choose a deck and get three “cards for the day”. Thought I’d play along…and here’s what I got:

Yup - focusing on staying connected..or in the flow...living honestly in each moment.

Yup – focusing on staying connected..or in the flow…living honestly in each moment.

Hahahaha - don't you love it? De-cluttering? Spring cleaning? The fountain arrived yesterday and the table was delivered today. Perfect. Plus I would rather clear out weeds than run this week. Also perfect.

Hahahaha – don’t you love it? De-cluttering? Spring cleaning? The fountain arrived yesterday and the table was delivered today. Perfect. Plus I would rather clear out weeds than run this week. Also perfect.

So this refinance process has been long and arduous. Part of that was me sticking to my guns about what I wanted from the process. That meant pulling away from the first few because the deals weren't right. I'm absolutely certain the best deal will happen.

So this refinance process has been long and arduous. Part of that was me sticking to my guns about what I wanted from the process. That meant pulling away from the first few because the deals weren’t right. I’m absolutely certain the best deal will happen.

March 25th GGID Journal

Dear me,

It’s late. Marcus came over and I got him caught up on all the Carmen stuff from the week. Plus I listened to a webinar from one of the experts that has been interviewed in a summit I’m following. It was really good for about 50 minutes then it turned into a massive sales pitch and I tuned out, though I didn’t turn it OFF. It just ended and then pushed me off to the sales page and what was MADDENING was that there was NO LINK to what was supposed to be a free gift if you stuck it out to the end. Dang it. I know these guys gotta make their money, but that was pretty ridiculous.

HOWEVER: prior to the sales pitch part the exercises he led me through were pretty fascinating! Mostly because they just reinforced to me that I am on the right path. They also reinforced to me what I had started to pick up on myself today which was that I had been sliding back into the “lack” vocabulary. At least 3 times this week I’ve said “I can’t afford” “I don’t have the funds” or “Mama can’t handle out of pocket”. All sentences that indicate a state of LACKING vs HAVING.

Let’s stop that right there shall we?

Two fun exercises we did: One was on what he called the 3 pillars (hah!) of your soul purpose. Feeling, Being, Doing.

See it, Be in it, Feel it, DO it.

He had us imagine away one are of worry – of course I chose prosperity – and truly SIT In the feeling that washed over me as I pictured my financial goals being achieved. He advised that we should capture that feeling, and live in it now. Walk around with as much joy/confidence/connectivity or whatever it is you feel right NOW. In other words, draw that reality TO you NOW. Use that feeling to keep your focus on the plan you have in place and keep it there until it all clicks. And it will.

Pretty cool – I think I was already doing that because just the act of making a financial plan had eased a lot off my shoulders until the last couple of days when I lost my focus and got lazy. I could blame Carmen, but no, that’s a separate issue and I have to keep this focus strong no matter what other areas of distraction come up. I am multi-talented!

Which brings me to the other exercise:

Write down 3–5 people you admire. First ones that pop into your head. Mine were:

Barack Obama, Adam Lambert & Ellen. (I stopped there because I was laughing at myself over the 3 that drifted up that fast!).

Then we had to write down the list of qualities we thought those people embodied that YOU specifically admire. I wrote:

“Chill, kind, warm, loving, patient, empathetic, funny, easy to laugh, pragmatic, witty, sharp, dancing!”

These are not necessarily qualities that I see in all three, but just characteristics that popped into my head as I thought of them. Odd how I chose a singer, yet never mentioned his singing voice, right?

Well, then the host said the coolest thing “Those qualities you admire? They are YOU!” Hah – no wonder I didn’t mention singing!!

Anyway, a fun exercise. I was just writing a note to myself at the start of the webinar that I wanted to put in my authentic self characteristics into the About page of this site so I think I will also list those qualities that popped into my head.

And on that note, it is late, there was a lot more today that kept me connected to the universe in really fantastic ways, but I need to go take a peek into heaven again ;)